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Strawman
Strawman is the leader of the "Cult of Strawman". He is a sad man with an even sadder story. Backstory Strawman was born when the universe was created. He had 3 other brothers all of which were stronger, faster, and smarter than him. His brothers always teased him of being “Stupid”. Strawman kept quiet his whole childhood and never said a word. He snuck away in secret sometimes to take in the musty smell of onions. He loved the smell of onions. He started to grow his own vegetables in his closet. He grew potatoes, carrots, lettuce, broccoli, and of course onions. One day his brothers found the stash of vegetables and stomped on them until they were completely flat. Strawman almost was sad, but strawman doesn't get sad. He kept it in. Strawman went into town to look at all of the vegetables and farms onside the road. He came across a house that looked mysterious. He knocked on the door and there came an old woman. She wore a black robe and had snow white hair. She let Strawman in and taught him a few tricks about magic. After 10 years of going to the old woman’s house he thought he’d stand up to his brothers. He brought them out to the back. Strawman burned them all with his destructive magic. His mother and father were ashamed of him and sent him away. He found himself finding a planet called Earth. It was the most nature filled planet that he’d come across. He found a little shack that stood right on the side of a river. He planted his new crops across the river, fenced away. One day he thought he’d try an experiment. He fused his magic abilities and his farming hobby to make an ultimate vegetable that could do his bidding. When the vegetable was harvested Strawman was impressed. He just made a little talking carrot. The carrot did his bidding and started to grow and grow and grow and grow until the carrot was taller than he was. The carrot could lift boulders and even houses. About a year later he thought he’d try it again this time with broccoli. When the broccoli sprouted he was the size of a normal broccoli and never grew. One day the broccoli fell in the river, but came back in a matter of minutes. This broccoli had health replenishing abilities. He tested new spells on this little broccoli. Strawman began to create more magic vegetables. He planted a magical potato, onion, and lettuce. He taught the potato to use magic and the potato became his magic apprentice. The Lettuce specialized in marksmanship and shot a lettuce bow. The onion just always cried and never stopped. The onion also associated himself with the vile pests known as “Manchildren”. Strawman used to have a plant known as “Rhubarb Ralph”, but he was viciously killed and devoured by the Manchildren. They’ve earned his enmity ever since. Strawman was in a constant war with the Manchildren. The Manchildren ate all but the strong which were Strawman’s first crops. Strawman concocted experiments to exterminate these creatures but they all failed, the Manchildren’s constitution is too high. Such as Poisonous Pat the Pickled Onion. Strawman gathered the vegetables together and they thought up a plan that could could sure kill them. Strawman dialed the telephone and called the Melon Mafia. They brought large melon machine guns to battle. The Manchildren were somehow attracted to melon, Strawman figured this one out before with Mitt the Melon. The machine guns were too much for the Manchildren, many were killed this day and it will be remembered. Many eons later, a new farmer opened a cult. His name was David Crank. Personal Life Strawman now looks after the vegetables of the cult, watering and feeding them daily. He has since stopped smoking and injecting krokodil, and teaches yoga. He can beat you up. He's kissed every girl in the world. If you make fun of him, he'll cut you with a knife. Category:Backstory